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Kipple is useless objects, like junk mail or match folders after you use the last match or gum wrappers or yesterday's homeopape. When nobody's around, kipple reproduces itself ... the entire universe is moving towards a final state of total, absolute kipple-ization.
— Philip K. Dick, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?

when someone can't parent....

I'm faced with a dilemma.

I have her address, her phone number, her work address. I've seen a picture of her house. I even know her professional specialty and that she has a jacuzzi.

she's a counselor, an addictions therapist. this I find ironic. I've chuckled off and on about it since I dug up the info earlier today.

yet it angers me. here is a woman who should know better than to do what she's already been a party to.

somewhere in there I lost one of my kids

december was a busy month... got through the last hearing plus aftermath and the holidays. still have legal mop-up to do.

happy new year.

my ex-husband did not attend the hearing. the judge decided my requests were not reasonable and made my lawyer present my case as if my ex was in the room. she eventually decided to recalculate alimony and child support based on imputed wages for the ex, so I was successful in getting the court to recognize that he's underemployed by choice. the judge then proceeded to calculate new support amounts, and reduced child support by $100 per month.

my Narcissist thinks he's a sensitive guy

his myspace page starts out "I am sensitive guy"... never mind that it makes him sound like a whiny neanderthal. I'm hung up on the word sensitive.

what does it mean that he's sensitive? Narcissists have no empathy, so when they feel, it's only the slights and criticism of others against them that they feel. if their children are hurt, their feelings are a result of the impact on their self-image -- embarrassment, irritation, rage, pride (that they made some recognition for their child possible by their very existance as the parent).

less grey matter

newsflash.

pathological liars have less grey matter than average folk. I always wondered why my Narcissist didn't seem to go through the same thought processes that I did... like he skipped entire chunks of reasoning before spewing bullshit out of his mouth.

weird.

we need a loaf of bread

the Narcissist got his pile of money the other day... $7100 courtesy of his inheritance, the Almighty Trust Fund.

in contrast, I'm told by the family support registry there's nothing they can do to collect the child support arrears beyond letting his employer take it from his paycheck. currently they're sending $20 extra each month. in 21 years, he'll be caught up.

unfortunately I can't wait that long. I'm hitting bottom financially, that horrible place where you see your money coming in, but you're so behind on everything and the terrible dance you do each month to keep one thing or another out of collections has become so complex, the accompanying sinister drumbeat that demands you keep time so fast and confused you can't keep step.

it will crumble into senseless flailing any minute.

my credit used to be good. I like to pay my bills. I like to save money.

this weekend, I'll try to scrape together enough change from under the couch cushions to buy a loaf of bread.

if I hadn't studied the world of narcissism, this would make no sense to me, how it could be completely acceptable to play and eat while your children are in danger of losing their home. but I understand it, I understand it has no meaning for him. none.

he doesn't return phone calls or read mail that he doesn't want to. he's been ordered by the court to call for a vocational assessment immediately. he's been ordered to produce documents. I think at this point he believes these orders don't really apply to him, that they have no place or meaning in his life because he doesn't want them to.

what will happen, I wonder. I have no faith that the scale can be tipped to a point of balance. there is no balance in my world, where this Narcissist runs amok. his self-absorbtion is so heavy that his end of the beam has been pulled all the way to hell. my hope is that I can extricate myself from this hell in court.

just one more hearing. one chance to be heard and an impartial judge to hear me.

please.

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