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Kipple is useless objects, like junk mail or match folders after you use the last match or gum wrappers or yesterday's homeopape. When nobody's around, kipple reproduces itself ... the entire universe is moving towards a final state of total, absolute kipple-ization.
— Philip K. Dick, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?

Prolonged Exposure Therapy: Session 4

during my third and fourth sessions of Prolonged Exposure Therapy, my therapist and I took some time to talk about my in vivo exposure assignments. my third session was to spend some time in my yard, gardening, landscaping, pulling weeds. spending time in my yard is an activity I used to enjoy but interacting with my neighbor over the past two years has made me feel more like a scurrying rodent who waits until there is no human presence then darts out into the open on high alert in case she needs to run for safety, hurries through the necessary tasks then runs for safety at the slightest hint of danger.

with in vivo exposure, I'm to place myself in mildly stressful circumstances, stay through the anxiety spike, then allow myself to leave once I've relaxed. so, I spent time in my yard, working in areas that were the most likely to attract my neighbor's notice. he's unable to refrain from commenting on whatever I'm working on, so interaction is virtually guaranteed. he didn't disappoint, and I survived the anxiety spike and stayed at my task until I regained the relaxed feeling that working in my yard used to give me.

Prolonged Exposure Therapy: Session 3

this session was downright painful. it was painful because I had to face the pain I'd been running from for years. it was the pain that marked a cross-roads in my life, or could have, had I been in a position to make decisions for myself.

it was twelve years ago, and a simple mistake was blown out of proportion when I embarrassed "The Ministry". that's what we called it. that's how we thought of it, with a capital T and M, as significant in our lock-stepped, cult-conditioned minds as the difference between a sculpted god of the pantheon and the "One True God".

Prolonged Exposure Therapy: Session 2

I experienced an unfortunate glitch in my treatment protocol when I discovered that my iPhone's voice recorder application is basically worthless. the recording of session one was there, I swear! then I synched and suddenly it was two seconds long.

sigh.

since my only homework following session one was to listen to the recording once, I figured I could just as easily read the handout. so I did. and it was good! this jumped out at me:

... if you believe that experiencing flashbacks is a sign that you are losing control, you may try very hard to push the traumatic memories out of your mind. However, the more you try to push these memories away, the more they will intrude on your consciousness and the less control you will actually have over the memories.

Prolonged Exposure Therapy: Session 1

today was my first session of Prolonged Exposure Therapy for post-traumatic stress disorder.

I hope it is the first step to getting my life back.

today's session covered the protocol for imaginal exposure and in vivo exposure as well as a relaxation breathing exercise. the therapy is designed to expose the boogy-man to the light of day, so to speak.

I am: literal, concrete, truthful

since I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome a few months ago I've spent some time reflecting on my life through a new set of self-awareness glasses. although nothing in my past life has changed, it all feels different because the context in which it was experienced has been altered.

my childhood was confusing and at times horrifying. there was no feeling of security, no feeling of being sure I was loved. for a while I was convinced that the reason I felt unloved was that I was adopted. snooping through family documents assured me that was not the case. in fact I found out that I was conceived before my parents married. as an adult, I wonder if their relationship would have lasted more than a few months if it wasn't for that fact.

as it was, they stayed together about four years and had another daughter 18 months after me.

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