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I am: literal, concrete, truthful

since I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome a few months ago I've spent some time reflecting on my life through a new set of self-awareness glasses. although nothing in my past life has changed, it all feels different because the context in which it was experienced has been altered.

my childhood was confusing and at times horrifying. there was no feeling of security, no feeling of being sure I was loved. for a while I was convinced that the reason I felt unloved was that I was adopted. snooping through family documents assured me that was not the case. in fact I found out that I was conceived before my parents married. as an adult, I wonder if their relationship would have lasted more than a few months if it wasn't for that fact.

as it was, they stayed together about four years and had another daughter 18 months after me.

180 degrees

amazing how things change in two short months.

I did write to Ronda. I took a chance, hoping that I'd find a cooperative ally in a divorced mom raising a boy on her own. I gave her our background in a four page letter, and asked her not to come on visitation trips.

then she emailed me, and I learned some things... they'd been living together for six months and were engaged to be married. that he'd confessed everything to her, even the abuse. she knew he owed me a lot of money and expected him to pay me back.

I was left in wonderment over how gullible we females are. what is it in us, that when a man says "yes, I lied, stole, hit my wife and neglected my kids, but I really want to change" that we want to take him under our wings and nurture him into being a whole person?

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH US???

my Narcissist thinks he's a sensitive guy

his myspace page starts out "I am sensitive guy"... never mind that it makes him sound like a whiny neanderthal. I'm hung up on the word sensitive.

what does it mean that he's sensitive? Narcissists have no empathy, so when they feel, it's only the slights and criticism of others against them that they feel. if their children are hurt, their feelings are a result of the impact on their self-image -- embarrassment, irritation, rage, pride (that they made some recognition for their child possible by their very existance as the parent).

dropping a bomb

my ex announced to the kids this weekend that he has a girlfriend.

all I'd like to say is, good going, Scott. you obviously put no thought into how that news was going to effect the kids.

wow, you're dumb

ok, so my Narcissistic ex-husband with a capital N has a myspace page (what good Narcissist wouldn't?), and I check it once in a while to see if there's any useful dirt. there never is.

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