parenting

today I feel really good. the fact that I feel really good today throws into sharp relief how NOT good I've been feeling for the last five years.

the bad feelings twisted my gut and interrupted my sleep and concentration. that's what happens when you deal with PTSD and you find yourself in a constant battle to stop an abusive ex-spouse with a personality disorder from destroying your family.

and yes, he did try, and I paid dearly for it in lost sleep, nightmares, anxiety, and physical pain. our children paid for it with emotional scars from my narcissistic ex's efforts to win their devotion and admiration, or, as the family evaluator stated it "inappropriate alienating behavior" by teaching our kids that "the use of conflict is a means by which one may achieve one's desires".

yesterday was Mother's Day. I taught my small one how to slice strawberries so she could make me breakfast. I spent time with my kids planting corn and landscaping and did my best to be gracious about Mother's Day sentiments.

I'm not a fan of most holidays. I find the overwhelming requirements of any holiday that purports to recognize someone based on their role in your life to be fairly unreasonable. we're all told who we should honor and how, setting up expectations on both sides that aren't practical. still, yesterday I wished I had a mother to honor. I have a mother, but I haven't spoken to her in a dozen years and I don't plan to in the future.

in spite of my no-contact policy with her, the simple fact that she exists has led to several interesting developments this past week.

my youngest child, a second-grader, was just diagnosed with ADHD and depression. I decided to get the assessment done because, although she's clearly intelligent, she's becoming so averse to school that her little life seems to be crumbling before my eyes.

my narcissist has got a game on. it's so good I think his lawyer told him how to play it. he's filed for full legal custody of our son. if he wins, that means the support system I built for our son goes down the toilet. he won't have to take our son to his therapist. I won't get to give any input on my son's education or mental health treatment.

all it takes in our state is for the parents to have an uncooperative relationship for the court to terminate shared legal custody. so, he's being an asshole, telling me I'm too difficult to communicate with, ignoring my email requests for information about my son's activities and treatment. I even tried calling him to find out why he wants full legal custody, and he hung up on me.

I can't believe it's been almost a year and a half since I've added to my story.

it's not like nothing's been going on. I've packed in so many life changing events in the past 16 months, I'm not sure how I survived.

I think one reason that I stopped writing was fear that my blog would be used against me in court, to try to make me look crazy. I'm over that at this point. I have enough documentation to prove I'm not crazy, and I feel like this story needs to be told because I can't be the only person who's ever had to deal with this. it's lonely. finding out you're not insane -- that you just feel that way because you've been manipulated for so long -- it frees you to move on with your life.