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it's time to start over, but not fresh, since the effect of kipple is permanent. over time newer kipple will cover older kipple and a landfill, or a desk, will evolve.

last week I experienced the feeling that my life was going to slip away, after my appendix ruptured. for several days I didn't know that's what happened. I'm used to being in pain, so the degree of pain I felt was not such a degree greater that I knew I was going to die or that anything really bad had happened. I wrote it off to the flu, and subsequently developed an infection that, had I laid down to nap instead of going to the hospital, likely would have killed me.

I didn't die, but I did think a lot.

mostly about how my old life is really part of the past now. aside from the ongoing issues with my health, which have improved, the other stuff has faded. the week prior to the appendix debacle, I was waking up happy every day.

I'm not sure if that means I won't blog angry in the future. I probably will, because I'm passionate. it's just that the weights that I struggled so hard to be free of are finally gone... and it's not because I "let go" or "forgave" or any of the other tripe that was pushed on my over the years as the mental health solution of all mental health solutions. it was because I fought for control over my own life. I fought hard. I decided what needed to change and I kept after it until I could change it. at times that meant changing direction or giving up on one path, but at other times it meant fighting until I was spent, and beyond.

I took my life back, and it was worth it... and now I need to figure out what I want to do with it.

the goals were always clear, but the possibilities never were. there are possibilities now that I never dreamed of.

life is good.



Not "yay!!" about the appendix rupture. "Eek" about that...but a "Yay" that you went to the hospital and that you are still here.

Good to "see" you blogging again. I look forward to more, if more appear. :)

There is great strength and encouragement in this blog entry Mia. Wonderful. Wonderful. Wonderful.

You're in my thoughts as you recover from the appendicitis...and as life continues to blossom...

~Carol (from toss & ripple)

thanks Carol! this past year

thanks Carol!

this past year has been the hardest of my life, but I have high hopes for my future. someone asked me last night if I had flashbacks from going through this, because of the cultish mindset of "believing equals receiving", and I was so happy to realize that the old cultish guilt never surfaced. I was not once tempted to figure out where I went "wrong", where I missed "revelation" blah blah blah. I'm proud of myself :)

*BIG smile*Freedom is

*BIG smile*

Freedom is sweet.

~Carol :)