it happened again... one of those long, long spells where I just couldn't bring myself to write any of the crap down.
so it's been almost a year. that's not a record for me, though, surprisingly enough. but "Hello" anyway, I'm back... today at least... so I'll engage in a little catching up.
a little over a year ago, after annulling my marriage (to a good friend, who I'll call my annulled husband, reserving the term "ex" to the jerk-off I procreated with, just to keep things straight) my plans to move out and move on were crushed when my ex convinced the court that somehow I'd deceived him over the small amount of alimony he'd agreed to pay but wasn't, and I not only ended up with no housing options, but was ordered to pay my ex a pretty hefty amount of money in a retroactive order.
for some reason I had faith that the legal system would work if I showed that I hadn't committed fraud and that my ex had signed an agreement to continue to pay, but I think the judge just doesn't like me. from what I've read of her, she's very favorable to fathers, and was responsible for ordering a little girl to her death at her father's hands in her zeal to protect father's rights. so, once again, I saw my ex's appeal to emotion (against me, his psychotic ex-wife) work in his favor in court. so, to make a long story short (although I'll be back, eventually, to elaborate on some of the various challenges of the past year) this is what I've been doing:
- appealing the retroactive termination of alimony.
- filing a civil suit against my ex for breach of contract and fraud (because seriously, fuck family court. they suck!)
- giving up on my education.
- watching my ex completely destroy his relationship with our younger child and trying to keep her from ending up as messed up as our son.
- getting sick... really, really sick. giving up on doctors because they only seem to make me sicker.
- trying to find housing and failing.
- watching my son go downhill, fast, from the stress of dealing with Aspergers and sensory processing disorder without supports and in a stressful living situation.
- finally after my son completely disintegrated, getting supports, but not the right kind... so he's in a treatment facility.
- settling my civil suit against my ex out of court... the first couple of hearings didn't go his way, so it was the smart thing for him to do.
- finally getting to a decent doctor who believes in running tests, and finding out I have lead poisoning, cardiovascular inflammation, a thyroid condition and 5 active infections. yay.
yeah, I've been busy. my son is a mess and it's not something that can be fixed with drugs. every issue we deal with seems to be layered on top of another, so we're still not sure what his treatment plan is going to look like, but I think we keep getting closer with every failure. 3 months ago my health was so bad I could hardly walk and I was in pain from head to toe all the time, but it's getting better. luckily some of my problems can be fixed with drugs... it's just going to be a long, slow recovery process.
and we're going to move. housing finally worked out, thanks to some very supportive organizations. it'll be a place where a kid with Aspergers and sensory processing disorder can be part of his family without being overwhelmed.
kind of ironic that that's all I ever wanted for my kids... to give them a home where they could be comfortable and feel safe and just be who they are. it shouldn't have been this hard, and it wouldn't have been if it had only been about providing a home instead of about emotional control by a really sick man with no respect for boundaries.
in spite of my sardonic tone, I'm a hopeless optimist. with every fresh start, I believe I'm going to make it this time. I'm scared as hell, because I know the history, and the history repeats. that's why I have PTSD. I know that even though my ex has court imposed boundaries and that our settlement contract is airtight, he will look for a way to undermine our stability. I think it's too deeply ingrained in his nature to tolerate stability in his own life or for anyone he feels he should be able to control. destroying stability gives him power, and I think he'll try again... but I'm still optimistic that next time he won't succeed.