doors without doorknobs... a dream.
last night I dreamed I was in my old house, the one I lost because my ex decided he would not pay child support unless the state could catch him to garnish it. it was a violent dream, which I think had to do with a violent reaction to listening to my Prolonged Exposure Therapy recording for session eight (which I have not yet blogged, but I promise to get to it as soon as possible).
in the dream I was in my kitchen, and I could see outside my windows that young men were flowing over the fences into my yard in droves. they looked like gang members and moved like ninjas and really scared me. my kids were with me. my partner was with me. I told everyone to lock the doors and reached for the back door, but there was no knob or deadbolt like I remembered there being when we lived there. the door was solid, with no knob openings drilled into it, but it was the same door that I remember, painted white and scuffed at the bottom where a dog had scratched at it to be let out (I'd always looked forward to replacing that door before I lost the house).
realizing I had no way to lock anyone out, I panicked. I went for the alarm system and punched in the emergency call code, but it didn't work. there was no answering voice sounding out from the tiny speaker. I tried to arm the system and it didn't work. next I tried calling our neighbor, the strong and good man who'd given food to me and my children when we were alone and I had no money. the call would not go through.
I don't remember any more than that... just panic.
I had cried painfully last night as I listened to my session eight recording. I was talking about my sister, who my mother beat when she was six years old because she had poor bladder and bowel control and messed her pants often. she had come home from school with messy pants, and my mother beat her and told her that she was going to send her to school in a diaper like a baby.
my mother scared me. I've always felt like if I did the opposite of what she did, I could be a decent parent. when a nurse practitioner lectured me about my daughter not having night-time bladder control at the age of four, I looked her in the eye and told her that it runs in my family, her nervous system is a little behind but it'll catch up and I'm not going to stress her out or make her feel bad over something she can't control, so she can wear pull-ups as long as she needs to. I was so angry at that woman for having the nerve to think all kids are the same. they just aren't. sticking up for my daughter felt in a way like I was sticking up for my sister. it took a long time for my daughter to be able to feel when she had to pee, so we had accidents often when she was young. sometimes we'd have to abandon shopping carts and run for the restrooms. she grew out of it by the time she was eight years old, without ever feeling embarrassed or like she was a failure.
unlike my sister, who my mother shamed over something she couldn't control.
I don't know yet what the dream means, but I know it has something to do with how my mother treated my sister and how it made me feel as a child to have to watch it.