amazing how things change in two short months.
I did write to Ronda. I took a chance, hoping that I'd find a cooperative ally in a divorced mom raising a boy on her own. I gave her our background in a four page letter, and asked her not to come on visitation trips.
then she emailed me, and I learned some things... they'd been living together for six months and were engaged to be married. that he'd confessed everything to her, even the abuse. she knew he owed me a lot of money and expected him to pay me back.
I was left in wonderment over how gullible we females are. what is it in us, that when a man says "yes, I lied, stole, hit my wife and neglected my kids, but I really want to change" that we want to take him under our wings and nurture him into being a whole person?
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH US???
this stunned amazement is still present, but has to stay on the back burner. I've had other, more pressing concerns. my kids would have a Step Mother. I felt sorry for her, but after a few exchanged emails it became clear that my ex has her completely fooled. she seems smart and together, so I became hopeful that this woman would at least make parenting time safe and enriching for my kids. I came to celebrate her attachment to my Narcissistic ex-husband and hoped she would stick around.
within this mix, my Narcissist accused me of alienating the kids. now, I think he's done a pretty stellar job of that himself by lying to them and breaking promises, but we ended up in mediation to work it out. turns out he wants more visitation. I told him that since he has a history of abuse and effectively abandoned the kids, I want him to get a psych eval and go to counseling for a year, and I'll be happy to work with him on a visitation schedule that our family therapist feels is good for the kids.
he agreed. I was stunned. and he even scheduled an intake, which was to have happened last week.
then, the day after the scheduled intake, I got an email that he would be relocating to our area in six weeks and that he and Ronda are no longer getting married. he stated that they agree this is what he needs to do, which is nice and vague and doesn't really reveal anything about why their relationship must end. it's certainly strange, given Ronda's profession of steadfast loyalty in an email just five weeks ago.
I'm a little sad that Ronda won't be moving here, too, but I'm relieved for her. in the long run, it's much better that she and her son are not exposed to the poison that will inevitably ooze to the surface.
I'm not thrilled about the chaos that will surely be introduced into my life, again. I will proceed carefully. did the psych eval take place? I have no idea. he has to follow through with it before I'll agree to work on a new visitation schedule. I stated in mediation that I feel he needs help with his parenting skills, and it's on record he abused us now because he admitted to it in front of the mediator, and also that he tried to work through the kids to change custody. for once I feel like I'm in a position to protect myself and my kids.
the next several months will be full of little skirmishes to protect my borders. I am stronger than I used to be. my defenses will hold. he will be rebuffed at the gates. if he attempts to scale the walls, I'll pour boiling oil on him. he won't understand why I won't let him parade into the stronghold like a returning hero, because I know that's how he views himself. he expects fanfare and praises for finally sacrificing for his children. he wants everyone to see the knight in shining armor.
sorry, all I've feel is suspicious resignation. all I see is an impulsive, selfish man ready to sacrifice the most inconvenient set of people on the alter of his stunted ego.