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the fabulousness of it all

where do I begin?

I last blogged over two months ago... not from a lack of things to blog about, but more as a result of that feeling of having my hackles up and needing to be careful of what I say, where I say it, and to whom I say it.

that feeling is over, and now I just laugh at the horrible beauty of the narcissistic equation. now I can blog with wild abandon.

mr. N moved here, with as much drama as could be generated. quit his job April 9th, then left Colorado April 20. I actually caught him on his way out of town when I called to find out why the child support check was so horribly short. I mean, I'm used to getting shorted every month, but he quit paying far, far short of the full amount. it took awhile to wade through his convoluted attempts at evading the truth, but this is what I got:

1. he's broke (of course, in spite of working three jobs and having a trust fund).
2. he's on his way out of town right that minute... my natural curiosity prompted me to ask if that meant he was arriving here earlier, but no, he had no intention of getting here early and starting to work.

I love the type of revelation that hits you like a lightning bolt between the eyes... the kind that leaves a crystaline burn mark of realization in your brain. I got one then.

I asked him "you're going on vacation, aren't you?"

silence. dead silence was my only response.

the burn mark crystalized a little more, leaving sharp edges that made me ask, "you're going rock climbing, aren't you? you quit paying child support so you could afford to go have some fun!"

naturally he hung up me then. guess it sucks when your ex-wife who you keep screwing over is smarter than you.

I emailed Ronda to find out what his plans were. she confirmed, after her return to Colorado, that they'd gone on a rock climbing getaway in California.

my sadness over the loss of a potentially nice step-mother has evaporated. in fact, the emails that followed an ill-timed arrangement for the kids to spend time with her have swung the pendulum far toward disgust.

when I had the temerity to question the character of a woman who would vacation with a man who was choosing not to support his kids when he has the ability to, she wrote back this nice gem of a paragraph:

Since you felt free to share your opinions about my "character," here's a few of my own. You and Scott might as well be married because the two of you act like you did before you divorced. How is the way the two of you negotiate any different from when you were married? I keep telling myself it is not my problem and it is none of my business but BOTH of you need to look at the impact of your bitterness on your kids. I think the reason I let how the two of you act bother me at all is because 1) it effects my relationship with Scott, 2) it reminds me of my own divorce, and 3) it influences how I perceive Scott. People can only be married to one person at a time and even if its just really powerful anger that ties the two of you, as long as that tie is present there is no room for me in Scott's life.

I find these statements terribly revealing. since she really knows nothing about me, the work I've done to recover from having been raised by a narcissist then married to one, or the work I've done to try to help my son who continues to suffer emotionally and is full of repressed anger, I conclude that she sees my struggle to protect my boundaries against a bully as some kind of obsession.

how do I tell her I've looked at the bitterness? the bitterness over wasting so many years and still not being able to escape, of being put down and used at every turn. I think I won't bother to try to figure it out, it's a waste of time to try to explain it.

if mr. N is so consumed by anger and bitterness that he has to move across the country right before I remarry, dumping a woman who seems to love him blindly, and worse, dumping a boy whose life he invaded, then maybe mr. N is the one suffering from an unhealthy obsession. he hasn't looked at the anger and bitterness. I know he can't look at it. I just hope I can protect myself and my kids from it. I hope he finds a new obsession soon.

Ronda, if you ever read this, I hope you realize how lucky you are that he left.