my lion tattoo

when I turned 40, I got a lion tattoo. a lion rampant, holding the sun in its paws. to me, it represents my spirit. I'm stronger than I ever thought I was.

that year, my life changed more than it had at any time during the 15 years before, which is saying a lot. I'd had two children during those previous years, but this year I started to wake out of a stupor and see my husband for what he is.

I wanted him to be the love of my life. I was always poised at the brink of giving myself to him completely, if he'd only stop lying. if he'd only look at me and see me, really see me. if he'd just stop hurting me.

problem was, he really enjoyed hurting me. I remember there were times in the earlier years of our marriage when he'd do strange things, like hold me down on the floor while I screamed and cried to be let go because I couldn't breathe, or pinch me to see how I'd react, or punch me because he was annoyed. why didn't I see it for what it was? because he'd tell me afterward that he just needed attention, and I was one of those naive people who assume that everyone tells the truth. I was ill-prepared for the pathology of a Narcissist.

when I was about six or seven years old, I watched the star trek episode where captain kirk was incarcerated (by whom, I can't remember) but he wanted to escape in a bad way, so when he was brought refreshment, he tricked his captors by distracting them with his cup through the bars as they attempted to serve him a drink. how clever, I thought... so I tried it on my mom by moving my cup just a few inches while she tried to pour me some milk. wow, did that ever not work out like I thought it would. she got mad and yelled at me, and I never did something like that again.

now, with my ex, he was always rattling the cup. pinching me, hitting me, calling me names, accusing me of not making him look good, accusing me of not caring enough about how much sleep he needs so he can do his oh-so-important job... it went on and on and on. and I never got it. not until that year I got the lion tattoo. then I got it. not all at once, but in a few steps.

immense, life-altering steps. but it still wasn't enough, because I didn't understand what was wrong with him. it still made me crazy that he couldn't understand logic.

people tell me to be careful of labels, to be careful of diagnosing someone when I'm not qualified, and they're right. everyone should be careful. I don't want to be qualified enough to assess people for personality disorders, because I've been victimized enough that I don't find them interesting. I'd love to have a qualified psychiatrist assess my ex. I'd love the vindication. it won't happen though, and that's ok. I really don't need anyone's signature to validate what I know.

what I do want now, and what I demand, is that people don't tell me to be the bigger person, let it go, move on. I WAS the bigger person. I DID let it go. and yes, I have moved on... however, there are still things that need to be addressed, like the fact that he has a financial responsibility to our children. I'm simply not willing to take care of that for him. he can pay it, so I expect him to. I will take him to court, I will demonstrate he's lied and hidden assets, and withheld support in an attempt to punish me. he's damaged my credit, traumatized my children, and ruined friendships. does that give him power over me? no. not any more. the lying and hidden assets will be shown in court in a couple of months. my kids are recovering and he'll wake up someday and realize the kids don't want to talk to him because they're sick of his drama, and although he'll blame it on me, both I and the kids will know the truth and that's all that matters. and, friends aren't friends if they're willing to sell me down the river because he had to tell them how awful I was and how much he loved me and wanted to be married to me... well sure he did, I was his meal ticket. I kept him out of trouble. I fixed things for him. what Narcissist in his right mind (sorry for the bad joke) would give that up? not mine, for sure.

so I have less friends these days. BFD. it just means I don't have to pretend to be anything I'm not with them, like I did for so many years, to keep the Narcissist from blowing up because I embarrassed him by being less than perfect.

I'm ok with being less than perfect.