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October 2006

I didn't see it, therefore it either (a) doesn't exist, or (b) it's your fault

all those years I lived with my Narcissist, I learned a Very Important Truth:

if he didn't know something or do something, it was either because (a) it didn't actually exist in his universe or (b) I'd failed somehow to make sure he knew or did what he was supposed to.

we need a loaf of bread

the Narcissist got his pile of money the other day... $7100 courtesy of his inheritance, the Almighty Trust Fund.

in contrast, I'm told by the family support registry there's nothing they can do to collect the child support arrears beyond letting his employer take it from his paycheck. currently they're sending $20 extra each month. in 21 years, he'll be caught up.

unfortunately I can't wait that long. I'm hitting bottom financially, that horrible place where you see your money coming in, but you're so behind on everything and the terrible dance you do each month to keep one thing or another out of collections has become so complex, the accompanying sinister drumbeat that demands you keep time so fast and confused you can't keep step.

it will crumble into senseless flailing any minute.

my credit used to be good. I like to pay my bills. I like to save money.

this weekend, I'll try to scrape together enough change from under the couch cushions to buy a loaf of bread.

if I hadn't studied the world of narcissism, this would make no sense to me, how it could be completely acceptable to play and eat while your children are in danger of losing their home. but I understand it, I understand it has no meaning for him. none.

he doesn't return phone calls or read mail that he doesn't want to. he's been ordered by the court to call for a vocational assessment immediately. he's been ordered to produce documents. I think at this point he believes these orders don't really apply to him, that they have no place or meaning in his life because he doesn't want them to.

what will happen, I wonder. I have no faith that the scale can be tipped to a point of balance. there is no balance in my world, where this Narcissist runs amok. his self-absorbtion is so heavy that his end of the beam has been pulled all the way to hell. my hope is that I can extricate myself from this hell in court.

just one more hearing. one chance to be heard and an impartial judge to hear me.

please.