the high cost of enlessly riding the legal merry-go-round

05 February 2010 2

the custody issue is settled. my children now have a court-appointed parenting time advocate: their therapist. I feel like that's a huge win in this resource-sucking war.

I have no illusions about how this is going to work out, however. I used to dream that my narcissistic ex would consider the kids feelings. that he would try to get to know them. that he would realize, maybe, that the world doesn't revolve around him.

I don't hope for that any more. these days I merely hope the state will collect enough child support that I can pay my son's therapy bills and afford some nutritious groceries for the kids... that when my ex tries to circumvent the Rules of Parenting that he gets caught so the kids' therapist and I can take damage control measures... that my ex won't manipulate the kids so I don't have to confront him and document his infractions for the next time we go to court... and I sincerely hope that there won't be any next time in court.

but I am resigned to the fact that he will always use our kids to create conflict, because that's what he does. I'm resigned to the fact that he blames me for our divorce and that he still uses it, six years later, to obtain pity over the fact that I terminated our joke of a marriage. I'm resigned to the fact that if I push back when he's disrespectful, when he lies, or when he manipulates the kids that I'm inviting a shitstorm of passive-aggressive hatred.

whatever. I'm resigned.

what I am looking forward to is getting off this legal merry-go-round. I'm looking forward to using my money to go to school instead of on legal filings and attorney fees. I'm looking forward to focusing on helping my kids grow up to be self-sufficient. those are the things I want to think about.

first, however, a few more spins on the merry-go-round.

he's obstinately refused to voluntarily correct a child support error, so that's been on the list for over a year. he refused to credit money toward my child support obligation that he received due to my disability during the time our son was living with him, so that's been on the list for a over a year. once we get to court, those will be sorted in my favor.

the greater challenge will be determining his income. when I was unemployed for a period of time before I was declared disabled, the court imputed my previous income to me, with the added insult of not deducting what I would have paid for childcare. although I was able to reverse that ruling on appeal, at the time my ex was quite happy with the decision regardless of the impact on our kids. but now the tables are turned. now that he's on unemployment benefits, he wants the court to base his income on his unemployment benefits without imputing his potential wages. the thing that's so pathetic about that is that he has job skills in multiple professions. he's unemployed in one, but there are job openings every day in the other. he just doesn't want to work.

I don't feel like giving him the freebie. I don't think that the kids, or I, should finance his long-term vacation. after his refusal to correct the errors in mediation I filed a motion to have them addressed in court. then he filed a response countering for full custody of our son and increased parenting time with our daughter, which necessitated going forward with the parenting evaluation. he refused to take part in the evaluation unless I paid the retainer, so I borrowed the money at 30% APR and paid it. on top of all that, during disclosure, his attorney went fishing for information to determine if they could file to terminate my tiny spousal support award, contrary to the Uniform Interstate Family Support Act. our case files are so thick it's ridiculous.

I've depleted my retainer multiple times over the last two years. I'm tired of spending money to fight over things that shouldn't be issues. I'd rather spend my money going to school so I can eventually start a new career. I'm also really tired of my ex changing his mind every few months about where the kids are on his priority list. it'd be nice if he decided what role he wants to play in our kids' lives and actually stuck with it.

and what I'd like more than anything is for my kids to have a real dad, someone who puts them somewhere near the top of his priority list. not some asshole who comes and goes and creates conflict and uses the kids to fulfill his own emotional needs.

even though I want off this merry-go-round almost as much as I love my own life, I'll ride it as long as it takes because I love my kids a whole lot more than I do the idea of throwing up my hands and walking away, as tempting as it is.

tags :

the day of judgment is upon us

31 January 2010 0

I've had so much to write about lately, but a great deal of fear over committing it to writing and sharing it publicly, mostly because my life, and the lives of my children, have been upended and shaken during the last few months and saying anything during the court-ordered family evaluation seemed unwise at best. I was also in the process of getting myself assessed for an autistic spectrum disorder. I am one of those individuals that falls into the part of the spectrum called Asperger's Syndrome. as it turns out, my son is one, too. more on that another day; back to the subject at hand...

the family evaluator's report is done, and I'm relieved. my ex has agreed to settle custody issues out of court.

the evaluator recommends that I get full custody of both of my children. good thing, too, since my ex dropped my son off at my house, with no notice, in the midst of one of his (my ex's) regularly scheduled hissy fits during which he decided he didn't want to deal with parenting anymore. the evaluator also recognized that my ex has been alienating the kids, using them to create conflict, and neglected my son's mental health program.

at last! I've been documenting the issue for five years, and finally someone noticed. I'm not crazy. my concerns are validated. my ex's behavior was wrong.

given the documentation of the issues, my lawyer approached my ex's lawyer with an offer to settle the custody issues out of court, so unless he has another narcissistic fit, we can simply go to court and record the agreement. parenting will now be coordinated through the kids' therapist. I won't be the only one documenting issues. finally, a neutral party with an interest in the well-being of my children will be keeping an eye on things.

relief.

then in a few weeks we'll go in and duke it out over the financial issues. then I hope I can just go back to being a mom and get to work on my own ongoing issues with PTSD.

tags :

why were you in my dream, John Barrowman?

25 August 2009 0

last night I had one of those very vivid, detailed dreams. I woke up hoping it wouldn't just slip away, but give me time to ponder hidden symbols, so I'm at my computer earlier than I wanted to be.

my ex was in the dream, and so was my mother. we all lived in an apartment. it was the same apartment I lived in with my ex when I decided to divorce him.

during the dream, I obsessively gathered trash and recyclables and transported them to their respective bins behind the building, between rebuffing my ex's advances. most of the encounters with him in the dream were typical of real life ones, and most are hazy at this point but one stands out vividly because it is a composite of two of the worst events of my marriage.

I was drawing a bath for my child, sitting on the edge of the same tub where in real life he'd left her to scald as a toddler. he came and sat behind me and leaned into me. leaning on me, btw, was offensive in and off itself since he was always significantly heavier than me and completely unaware that my slight frame couldn't support his weight.

"here, let me help you," he said, breathing heavily into my ear.

I was repulsed. he had a thing about breathing into my ear, as if I liked it, which I never did, although telling him that never made a difference. on top of that, those were the words he said to me in real life right before he attacked me for the final time.

I sprung to my feet and screamed at him. I screamed that I don't need his help, that I don't want his help, and that he should leave me the fuck alone.

my mother was there. she appeared magically after every altercation. for every one of his infractions, no matter what I'd said or done to defend myself, she explained to him as if talking to a child how inappropriate his behavior was and what I liked and didn't like. I always left while she was talking to go find trash and recyclables.

once he followed me out to the bins to harass me. I freaked out and started punching him in the face. each of my punches fell a mere fraction of an inch from meeting his flesh, and although I never actually got to hit him, he wore a look of fear. in frustration, I finally left and walked toward the woods behind my building.

that's when I saw John Barrowman, in the role of a somewhat capricious and elemental superhero who'd been zapping people off and on throughout several dreams last night.

of course he was dressed like Captain Jack Harkness, standing on the bed of a truck at the controls of a powerful weapon. it was almost as if fire and spotlights illuminated him. the weapon was pointed in my direction, so I ran (having seen many people zapped with it throughout the night).

as I ran into the woods, I realized he was not pointing it at me, but was waiting for something, just standing there like he was prolonging an epic moment. I found a bit of high ground to crouch on and waited to see what in world he was going to do.

suddenly he yelled "there's nothing more beautiful than when two points meet to create a new lake" and fired the weapon at the ground near the edge of the woods. water poured from the hole he made, running into low places and more or less in my direction.

I looked behind me, and discovered that I was on a hill above the neighbor's driveway, the end of which had also sprung forth a flow of water coming in my direction.

with a quick survey of my surroundings, I determined that the water from the two springs would soon fill the low spots near the edge of the woods and meet around the high point where I was standing, leaving me stranded on a small island, so I jumped across the stream gushing from under my neighbor's driveway and strolled toward my place, although I didn't really want to go there.

as I walked, the dream turned into a musical with a crescendo of music. silvery steel-blue mer-people leapt from the murky water of the new lake in a wild ballet. streamers flowed from trees. a mer-couple embraced as the maid sung, Disney style, about her love for her mer-man Benjamin.

yes, Benjamin.

naturally I woke up at that point.

tags :

people who bluster over stupid shit

27 June 2009 1

I've been really busy with assessments for both my kid and myself, but had to take a minute to post this dialog between me and my neighbor that occurred just a while ago.

I've been dealing with his control issues since we moved in. he has pruned my trees without permission and given me endless and unwanted advice on my yard, even admonishing me that I should keep it so it fits in with the neighborhood (more on that another time).

after he freaked out because I planted a tree too close to his driveway and informed me he'd cut it back if it overhung his property at all, I decided to get a property line survey, which cost a lot during a time when I didn't have a lot of money. I also replanted the tree well away from his reach. I also told him if the line is absolute for him, he has to respect that it's absolute for me as well. ok? ok.

the line was established about a month ago, then this just transpired while I was cutting the lower branches off my side of the hedge:

him: what the hell are you doing? what the hell is this? there are all kinds of gaps... what...
me: I'm trimming back the hedge.
him: you'd better not kill my tree.
me: which tree?
him: you can kill my tree if you're not careful.
me: which tree? are you talking about the ones in the hedge?
him: yes, they're mine.
me: no, they're mine. they're on my property.
him. no, they're my trees. they belong to me.
me: actually, since they're on my property, they belong to me. remember when the surveyor was here, and we talked about where the line was, and I pointed out the trees are on my side of the line so the hedge actually belongs to me? that means you should have asked me before you trimmed it a couple of weeks ago, because I don't want it cut flat on the top.
him: the top of the hedge is mine so I can cut it how I like. there's a certain way it has to be done so you don't kill the trees.
me: well, they're on my property and you can trim anything that grows on your side, but you can't trim the part on my property, and that includes the top.
him: well, when they planted them they didn't know where the line was. they're still mine.
me: that's the thing about property lines, if you don't check where they are before you plant something, you might find it belongs to your neighbor.
him: (now yelling) you don't want to go up against me over this. you don't have enough money!
me: I don't want to make this a fight, but I can trim my side of the hedge however I like, and I asked you not to cut stuff on my property.
him: you're the one making this a fight! and I was just trying to be a good neighbor by helping you out with your yard.
me: I asked you not to trim my maple and you did it anyway.
him: I was helping you with advice and being a good neighbor.
me: I didn't really care that much about where the property line was until you made a big deal about things growing into your property. that's why I had the survey done. now we know, and we agreed my side is my side and your side is your side, so I'd appreciate it if you'd leave the things growing on my side alone. that includes this hedge.
him: you're the one who wanted the survey! I'm just going to put up an 8 foot fence all the way to the street! what do you think of that!
me: I have no problem with that. in fact, I'd prefer a fence to a hedge.
him: now I have to spend the winter digging everything up out here! that's not what I was planning to do with my time. this is ridiculous!
me: you can do what you like on your side of the line, I don't care. I'm just trying to enjoy my yard.
him: (sarcastically) yeah, you go enjoy your yard.

then he slammed into his house. I was hoping he was going to call the cops on me, but none have shown up so I guess not.

I should also note that the shaping he did several weeks ago was out-of-season for arborvitae, and he over-mulched my maple and caused trunk rot, so he doesn't know as much as he thinks he does.

tags :

married 17 years, disabled, won't get social security spouse benefit

27 May 2009 0

I'm really angry at the Social Security Administration.

why?

because I've discovered that the SSA still treats dependent spouses like chattel, and unmarried caregiver parents have no economic rights whatsoever. although they recently released a bulletin on earnings sharing, Google hasn't picked up a scrap of buzz. it makes me wonder if anyone cares.

and we should care.

I was married for 17 years and moved around the country with my ex, primarily working part-time and seasonal jobs before taking time off to have 2 kids. I finally started a career in 2003, and divorced in 2005. as you can imagine, my own social security benefits are very low in comparison to my ex-husband's.

in 2007, I married a younger man, and also became disabled. I went from making $40k a year to receiving less than $10k a year in disability. I don't know when/if I'll be able to go back to work.

yesterday a SSA rep confirmed that I lost my rights to spouse benefits at retirement. in the rep's words "the money belongs to the person who earned it" and by remarrying, I made myself dependent on another man and lost any rights I had to a retirement benefit based on my previous long-term marriage. since my current husband won't retire for years after I hit retirement age, if I can't get back into the workforce, my only benefits will be the small amount I'm currently entitled to based on my own earnings.

I know I'm not the only one in this position. I can't be the only person who will find herself living on a fraction of what she could have earned if she hadn't taken the caregiver role, or if she hadn't found herself disabled, or if she hadn't remarried a younger man after being out of the workforce for too long. and what about unmarried couples with kids? what about gay couples?

so I started the forum, and I hope other caregivers will come and talk about how the SSA's marital status policies have effected your cases.

tags :